You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
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Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.