Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me

Me: I miss you.

My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.

Me: No, I just miss —

My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t

You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.

humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out

The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.

Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.

ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.

HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?

ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.

I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift

[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.

I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.

What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.

What I heard: Weight loss.

*doubles dosage*

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”

3am

Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?

I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.

One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.

Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.

– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.