YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
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Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
When I said I liked it rough.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda