It’s all fun and games until you notice the “rocket” in your son’s Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
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630: *wakes up to take dog for walk
632: *pours coffee and checks twitter
749: *steps in dog shit on my kitchen floor
Wife just changed her Facebook status to “It’s complicated.” Better go see what she wants.
Rebel against the establishment by covering every surface with lace doilies.
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.