@Probgoblin

YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.

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@Milariou

It’s all fun and games until you notice the “rocket” in your son’s Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand.

@gruffybeard

630: *wakes up to take dog for walk

632: *pours coffee and checks twitter

749: *steps in dog shit on my kitchen floor

@DouchyDocLove

Wife just changed her Facebook status to “It’s complicated.” Better go see what she wants.

@ipalatsky

Rebel against the establishment by covering every surface with lace doilies.

@AnOrangeSNES

[Restaurant]

Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*

@Andrew_S_Dykes

As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it

@chuuew

[after giving performance of a lifetime]

ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now

MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son

@RowdyBowden

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.