You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
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[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Oh my god
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.