You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
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Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
WTF IS THAT!
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
I identify as an antique shop.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job