You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
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live long and prosper!
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As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
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I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter![]()
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Mad Max Arctic Road
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behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”