Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.

Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”

ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others

me: thats not me

Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you

me: nah thats not me

ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.

Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?

Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.

I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older

My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”

[Ouija board in Starbucks]

“Speak to me spirits”

O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G

G R O S S

Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work

Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.

*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors

Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan

Things my dating coach and I are working on:

– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot

“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣

Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.

I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.

Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?

Think I pulled my liver

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.

Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.

One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.

And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.