You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
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Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
thank god
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.