You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
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The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
2022 be like
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.