Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself

I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…

5 yo: Mommy did that.

Me: Did what?

5 yo: She hit that with her car.

Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.

Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.

Me: You a good personal trainer?

Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.

Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.

“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”

If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.

I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.

first time at Hobby Lobby:

hello I’d like one hobby please

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel

officer: fair enough

**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**

Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.

You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.

beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory

Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20

Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet

him: I love animals, especially dogs

me: *I could really like him*

him: birds too

me: *he’s dead to me*

Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.

I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way

“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything

Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.

Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*