Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*

[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.

I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.

Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.

When you take Google Maps too seriously.

“Wait, let me explain..”

I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do

If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know

the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles

Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert

“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”

~Bamm Bamm

[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]

I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them

Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge

(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.

Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.

Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station

Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am

Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.