You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
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I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.