You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
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Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Rare photo of two submarines racing
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying