You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
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I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!