You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

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Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.


Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?


*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?


Me: You ask so many questions that I want to stab a fork in my eye.

Her: Why?

Me: *stabs fork into eye*


Boss: you’re late

Me: traffic

Carol: he was in his car taking selfies again

Me: goddammit Carol, I will cut you


[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{cool let’s bang}


People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that?

Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.


‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.


Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.


When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”