@weinerdog4life

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

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@Havish_AF

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

@pattonoswalt

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

@tuckerflodman

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

@milehighocd

Me: You ask so many questions that I want to stab a fork in my eye.

Her: Why?

Me: *stabs fork into eye*

@DaddyJew

Boss: you’re late

Me: traffic

Carol: he was in his car taking selfies again

Me: goddammit Carol, I will cut you

@AnOrangeSNES

[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}

@LOUD_Thoughts_

People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that?

Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.

@Marlebean

‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.

@anymysha

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

@Jake_Vig

When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”