Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.

TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.

Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.

The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.

“Shelley’s coming over.”

“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”

*gets hit in the face with poop*

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec

angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad

The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.

When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.

Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

Heroic Misunderstanding

I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.

if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.

[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No

Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.

nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him

*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*

“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?

4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?

Me: You were born 3 years later.

4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

He has no idea 🤡