Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets

*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something

taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.

[Interview]

Me: I really need the paycheck

Him: This is an unpaid internship.

Me: Do you provide snacks?

Him: Um, yes

Me: Keep going…

Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast

Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood

Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number

I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.

My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…

Teamwork makes the dreamwork

I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on

ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]

ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?

ME: Because I care.

She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.

How the stock market works:

Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said

Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.

The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…

If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.