You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
You Might Also Like
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.