You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
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People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Lmaoo 😂
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?