You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
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A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
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judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
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Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
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One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
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A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
it must be school picture day
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