You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
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Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.