You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
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Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
My birthstone is pecan pie.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”