You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
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The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
More like Kate Missington.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Sometimes? I’m slipping