You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
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Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.
Phonetics
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
I am absolutely never leaving this website
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
