You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
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*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Just ordered me some pizza!
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.