Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”

Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.

I spoke to my husband earlier

He seemed quite nice

I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying

18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.

Hub: Let’s go see a movie

Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*

H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.

i finally quit drinking for good

now i drink for evil

Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?

My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.

Me: …

Him: …

Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.

Him: How have you lived this long?

9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?

Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it

John Lennon: imagine all the people

Me: ew

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.

I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.

I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened

You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.

Everyone: Please

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.

The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate

ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.

On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.