You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

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I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”


[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]


The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.


professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m extremely flexible

professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?

me: no problem


[walks into bookstore]

Me: do you have any books on turtles?

Worker: Hard back?

Me: Yeah, with little heads.


Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.

Scans first item.

Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”


If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…

Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.


This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.