Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
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I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
[walks into bookstore]
Me: do you have any books on turtles?
Worker: Hard back?
Me: Yeah, with little heads.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.