You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
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“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.