You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
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If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda