@1Happytwit

You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.

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@DevilryFun

You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.

@Marlebean

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

@portmanteauface

I was pretty embarrassed when I realized I’ve been wearing this shirt inside out for six days

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

@skittle624

Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.

@ClichedOut

Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do

@ohen39

[on a romantic dinner date]
girlfriend: *takes some of my fries*
me: *quietly puts engagement ring back into my pocket*

@SamanthaRae49

I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.

@fillthevacuum

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blo…

Nope, just peed the bed again

@batkaren

“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.