You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.

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You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.


I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”


I was pretty embarrassed when I realized I’ve been wearing this shirt inside out for six days


“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.


Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.


Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do


[on a romantic dinner date]
girlfriend: *takes some of my fries*
me: *quietly puts engagement ring back into my pocket*


I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.


Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blo…

Nope, just peed the bed again


“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.