You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
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My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.