You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
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me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
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[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
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Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?