Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.

– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra

[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet

I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.

MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart

Email: You have a new message in MyChart

Text message: You have a new message in MyChart

Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart

The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart

My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”

[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

husband: when is [5]’s birthday

me: same as your mom’s

husband: *blank stare*

Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat

Meow

I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.

Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!

To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0

Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

Mine in this week’s New Yorker

According to math, I’m broke

I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting

Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it

Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.