Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[planning a heist]

Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job

Me, hates going outside: nice

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us

Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.

In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.

“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers

Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.

Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.

My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?

girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird

me: ok

[later at the funeral]

me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence

Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!

Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.

Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”

me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!

can of beans: never!

(whirring noises)

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.

a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath

Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.

*adds Doritos to wedding registry*

if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.

‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle

My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.

*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.

Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.

Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.

i really liked this one

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti