You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
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ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
this isn’t threatening at all
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
genius
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this