You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
You Might Also Like
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
Some people were born into their job.
Florida be like…
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.