You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
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Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
BRO LMFAO
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with