Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First date]

Her: I like bad boys.

Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.

Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…

It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.

So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol

During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.

He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy

-Dr. Octavril Lavigne

I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.

Here’s your m

And an m for you

Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.

adam and eve had first world problems

Don’t you just love arts and crafts?

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole

My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.

Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges

i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home

I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.

ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not

No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.

BREAKING: I am a medical miracle

[working at the DMV]

Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?

Boss: *sweating profusely*

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it