You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
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[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
they see me scrollin
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
#parenting
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
The Wolf of Wall Street.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
