You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
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Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
wait.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Babe, are you today’s date cuz you’re a 1/10
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.
Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..
I hate myself
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.