Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)

Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?

Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?

Can I donate fat instead of blood?

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?

Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go

Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.

[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?

The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude

After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit

Me: [gets coffee]

News: [election updates]

Me: [adds vodka to coffee]

Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.

I guess that means no one came.

I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet

When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.

“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”

i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.

5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-

Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.

5:

Me:

5: How much blood?

surgeon: are… are you still awake?

me: man i got a lot going on right now

A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.