Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.

Worlds greatest photobomb

genie: you can’t wish for more wishes

me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world

genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan

me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes

alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month

Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?

I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up

wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too

john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?

When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.

“Whistle while you work”

~The boogers in my nose

I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.

everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David

Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.

People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out

Me: I banged your Mom.

My Son: I know, Dad. I know.

“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”

I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.

When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.

My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!

You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.