You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
You Might Also Like
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
❤️❤️❤️
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
