Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Maroon 4 meeting]

Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”

Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”

Adam: “I’ve got it”

*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*

It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down

I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.

COP: Are you drunk?

ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff

What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?

Fleeced Navidad

#GoldCrackers

If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”

I know that now.

{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}

{whispers} planet shoes

OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?

(knock, knock)

He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!

*My pizza delivery guy.

Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow

Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.

it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution

if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.

Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?

Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.

Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.

if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”

Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.

Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*

Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.

If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.

dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven

My neighbor is mowing his lawn.

There is snow on the ground.

[locks doors]

Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.

British people

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.