You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
We made a comic about a space heater.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
