You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
You Might Also Like
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
do what now??
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.