Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?

Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him

Son: So he’s like 100 years old?

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.

Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.

5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.

Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit

Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one

All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive

All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind

My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.

Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.

Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling

Obama: 😳

Biden: Glow in the dark paint

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.

i dont have time for this

They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.

i have never been so disappointed in all of my life

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

👾👾👾

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN

Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??

Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.

My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra

A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.

I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.

nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will