you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
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Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Blew my mind.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.