Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother

My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”

Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore

grandparents are too precious for this world

Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

💀

Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.

Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”

Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”

My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”

wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep

Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me

I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.

[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No

MY BODY: You should exercise

ME: That sounds good

MY BODY: Because it’s heathy

ME: Yeah!

MY BODY: And makes you feel good

ME: Definitely!

MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!

ME: I’m lost

kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back

dad: oh god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*

Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe