You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
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idk flipping houses looks really hard
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
Please be aware that while my posts are largely based on true events, some have had squirrels added for dramatic purposes.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Hero horse inspires millions
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”