You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
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Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
decorating my apartment
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed