You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
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My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you