You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
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Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
*me flirting
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it