Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.

“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about

Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.

What a year we’ve had this week.

COP: Have you been drinking?

ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so

Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460

All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.

My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess

My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases

me: would you still love me if i was crazy?

him: if????

One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:

you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers

I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.

The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen

customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it

FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota