You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
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Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here