You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
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I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
wtf is a larm clock?
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Festive toon…
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
can they shut down Teams instead of tiktok
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down