You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
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Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.