You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
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Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.