You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
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People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”