You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
You Might Also Like
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
