you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
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[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
The internet is full of many things
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave