You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
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“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”
The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
