Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.

“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion

Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

all that yoga finally paid off

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.

I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..

Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”

The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.

this sign has the same social anxiety i have

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure

Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.

Um, a what now?!

This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.

She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.

-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.

My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways

Running your mouth is not cardio.

[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”

Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!

[husband opening refrigerator]

Me: “What are you looking for?”

Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”

absolutely not

I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.

Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt

Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.