You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse

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Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter



I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.


The number one piece of advice I could give to fish is to stay hydrated.


Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane


“my son, can I ask why you’re carrying two HUGE crucifixes?”
Well father, I’ve been…
*God starts breakdancing*


[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]

Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand


If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone


I’m lazy, though. I get down to my last outfit before washin anything. You’ll see me at a bar with a wedding dress on, just chilling.


Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.