You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
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All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
KFC hitting the cannibal market
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.