My typo game is string.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
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Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
The number one piece of advice I could give to fish is to stay hydrated.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
“my son, can I ask why you’re carrying two HUGE crucifixes?”
Well father, I’ve been…
*God starts breakdancing*
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
I’m lazy, though. I get down to my last outfit before washin anything. You’ll see me at a bar with a wedding dress on, just chilling.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.