@KimmyMonte

You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse

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@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”

Me: *looks up from phone*

“What?”

@markedly

Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason

@PopSlapFunk

5: “Dad, to be the man of the house, you need to wear pants.”

Me: …

5: …

Me: “It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. Job’s all yours.”

@GorillaNipples1

Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*

Them: You need to live in the present.

Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*

@ddsmidt

A fight or flight situation.

Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.

@RevHughGRection

me: i wanna see how high this cliff is

Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead

me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air

Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-

me: what

Charles Darwin:

me: that could what Charles

@weirdralph

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

@CyrusMMcQueen

Now I see why they call it your better half… My wife just stopped me from microwaving a plastic container… did not know you were not supposed to do that… And apparently you shouldn’t use hot water to fill up the ice tray either… Been a LOTTA lectures in my kitchen tonight

@TragicAllyHere

A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE

@KeetPotato

[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]