Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!

“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”

WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”

hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter

life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not

In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

[Spelling bee]

Your word is Monogamous.

M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S

*2 Judges stare at each other*

1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”

Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”

John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone

Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park

John Hammond:

Me:

John Hammond:

Me: I need to hear you to say it, John

I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.

Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?

I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off

Genie: I will grant you one wish

Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind

Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle

Me: I hate drama.

Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.

Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.

The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

Mob boss: fellas, restrain him

me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me

Mob boss: and gag him

[Running out of gas in the desert]

Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.

Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.

Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.

Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?

ME: Why are my eyes itchy?

WebMD: Eye bees

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.