You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
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[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Natty or not?
twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]