You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
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i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth