You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
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“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*
uh oh
*frantically starts flipping through pages*
uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14