Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”

Me: “I would wait.”

I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit

wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”

Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.

Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)

6yo student: My grandma has that dress.

How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam

If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.

As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.

I’m more “fermented”.

Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

NOW HIRING: An employee

JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for

I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”

Skywritten letters:

SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR

Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”

Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds

🚲+physics = winner

My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “You’ll be back.”

How I flirt with my husband:

I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk

Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.

At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.

How wrong was this guy?

CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces

Wife: I don’t meet these criteria