Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

cop: where were u between 7 and 8

me: third grade? idk

hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan

8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!

Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports

my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice

well well well, if it isn’t the thing i said i’d do before the holidays that i’m now putting off until after the holidays

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]

And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

Vodka is essentially odorless. That wasn’t what tipped off co-workers.

[getting ready for church]

Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.

6-year-old: Okay.

Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.

6: *gets dressed in record time*

AI girlfriend leaving me for other creepy weirdo.

I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.

this is literally a CIA plant

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk

How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-

Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.

walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins

walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas

WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.