You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

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ALIEN: What is “January”?

ME: That’s a month… named after a god

ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god

ME: Actually, he was a Roman

ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman

ME: Actually, that named after a number

ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10

ME: Actually, 8

ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit


Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!


I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.


Every day Stephen King and I both:

1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet


People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.


Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things


I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.


The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.


If I were a fashion designer I wouldn’t spend any money on advertising but rather pay old people to wear my competitor’s clothing


It’s always good to know what’s happening in astrology. When nothing seems to be going right, you can blame the stars.