I was interviewing my cat & she just kept meowing nonsensically but I didn’t wanna interrupt or challenge her because I was afraid she’d end the interview!
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order
I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
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Me: Hurry up kid. We’re gonna be late for school
6 y/o daughter: *begins eating each Lucky Charms marshmallow individually*
Boom! You’re pregnant!
-Me, speed dating
I updated my drivers on my laptop and now I have all kinds of pop ups…thanks Microsoft!
Google search history:
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat for smoking
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
car salesman: 100%
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
ME: k see u tonight
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
The human brain starts working the moment you’re born and never stops until your wife asks where you were last night.