@SteveKoehler22

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

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@TheToddWilliams

ALIEN: What is “January”?

ME: That’s a month… named after a god

ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god

ME: Actually, he was a Roman

ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman

ME: Actually, that named after a number

ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10

ME: Actually, 8

ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit

@dlockw21

Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!

@DontTouchMyWine

I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.

@WetMascara

Every day Stephen King and I both:

1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet

@TheAndrewNadeau

People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.

@bridger_w

Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things

@PinkCamoTO

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

@funnyordie

The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.

@MisterBombay

If I were a fashion designer I wouldn’t spend any money on advertising but rather pay old people to wear my competitor’s clothing

@SilverKick

It’s always good to know what’s happening in astrology. When nothing seems to be going right, you can blame the stars.