@SteveKoehler22

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

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@kumailn

I was interviewing my cat & she just kept meowing nonsensically but I didn’t wanna interrupt or challenge her because I was afraid she’d end the interview!

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: Hurry up kid. We’re gonna be late for school

6 y/o daughter: *begins eating each Lucky Charms marshmallow individually*

@livingnBoston

I updated my drivers on my laptop and now I have all kinds of pop ups…thanks Microsoft!

@notxzibit

Google search history:

Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet

@WhaJoTalkinBout

car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha

me: ok phew haha

*muffled screaming*

car salesman: 100%

@ClichedOut

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

@hythemafia

Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….

…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless

@tastefactory

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

@realHamOnWry

The human brain starts working the moment you’re born and never stops until your wife asks where you were last night.