You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
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[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.