You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
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[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
7 year old: Cruella DeVille is a bad person
Me: judging by your dusty ass coat I can see why you would think that
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
When I laugh on my period
I feel this so hard