You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
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when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
honey, bring out the fine china.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho