Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point

I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?

…and send

DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city

PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.

i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean

“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”

I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem

Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!

Cobra: the what

So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.

The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.

Leaving my son at college

Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning

Husband: Love ya bud

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

Me: The door’s locked

Salt: Push it

Me: It’s locked

Pepa: Push it

Me: That won’t work, think of something else

Salt:

Pepa:

Salt:

Pepa:

Both: Push it real good?

You are probably horrified by my wardrobe

Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St

Should not be a surprise

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow

Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”

Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”

Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”

doctor: we need to draw some blood

4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one

Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”

*knuckle tats*

M A Y O N N A I S E

If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.

[Pokémon Pitch]

Writer: pet training with wild animals

Exec: thats already a thing

Writer: kids are the trainers

Exec: seems irresponsible

Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something

Exec: why

Writer: unclear

Exec: tight