You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
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I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
I might carry a baby with one hand.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone