Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age

Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.

Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…

If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.

You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra

when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell

Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”

Doctor: “40”

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby

I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.

At conference w/ teacher

Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?

Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio

7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio

Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma

7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!

Teacher:

Me: what? That’s how I learned it

#Dadlife

My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday

For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.

*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*

Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.

2….

That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know

*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

Classified ad:

Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.

This January has 47 Mondays

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.

Whoops

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.

It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday