You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
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adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight