You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
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My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
cyclists
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”